La quiero tanto...que la dejor ir?

Well, it´s hard to find the right words. Probably I wouldn´t have been able to express it neither in my mother tongue, nevertheless I´ll try in this one. During the last few days my life shifted round, twisted, and certainly got a new, changed direction. I lost one of the main reasons, if not the most important one, why I accepted the challenge to move house over the Atlantic. In the beginning it was an easy decision, I fell in love up to the ends of my ears, and to be honest this statute is continuing. She is an extremely smart, beautiful and what´s even more, wonderfully tanned lady of my dreams, we understand each other, we laugh a lot and have enjoyed gorgeous and unforgettable moments not just in Mexico but in Central Europe and particularly in spring´s Prague. Without further consideration, I am pretty sure that during the last twenty monhts I experienced, till now, the happiest and most exciting whiles of my life. It wasn´t an easy stuff to conquer the heart of this princess, finally I succeeded and now... I´m leaving her voluntarily. Is there someone in the world a bigger idiot than me?

Why did I change? As I realized that I was and am pretty selfish. On the one hand I´m starving for being with this lady for the rest of my life and sincerely can´t imagine to have offsprings with any other woman. On the oher hand, I´m ambicious in my career and would love to do just that kind of tough job so as the whole family, my wife and my children especially could be proud of me. And want to bring them a lot of money, to give them everything they´ll wish, it´s obvious. I discovered one way how to do it...my way. But why now? I realized just the thing I dreamed a long time ago - it wouldn´t be bad to join the foreign service of my country. In other words, to do another school – Academy of Diplomacy in Prague or Phd. in the US. Nice, but everything has its cons - the lady of my dreams won´t wait. Well, no woman would waited for months ore even years, would she. So we said to each other two words which have now got for me the saddest possible connotation ... Cuidate mucho ...

Was it this Saturday when I could admired her beautiful eyes, amazing smile and angels´ face.. probably for the last time?! I will never forget where we had our first date and in the same way, I will never forget the last one (last?)...nearly at the same place. Forever will remain on mind the sad few seconds when I was hugging her on the second floor of that Plaza. I felt the warmness of the body and maybe for the last time could touch the long and wonderful hair falling on her firm (siempre firme) back. I loved her since the first days I knew her. More than hundred times I promised not to leave her. Never! And I did. I feel like a traitor. I am a traitor. I´m leaving My Life, as I called her. The girl of my dreams. I´m giving up all the plans about our common and happy future. It´s a terrible pain to leave somene, you know you´re loving with all your heart. Like to loose someone from the closest family. I know the feeling. Helpless, empty and in vain – so they are my days now.